Wednesday, December 25, 1996  2:17:00 PM

 

Dear Dad...

     Here it is Christmas Day....Our first Christmas without you here physically.....You know.....it didn't really hit me that you're really gone .....until last night..... I've been so busy doing all that needed done.....Perhaps my way of 'coping'........my way of dealing with the loss....just me.....

    But last night, I was walking outside..... I looked up at the Full Moon....the first one since 1950 on a Christmas Eve night....and the last one until 2120 or something like that.....and I lost it.....I started sobbing like a baby.....realizing that you would never be here again.....not ever.....and I missed you so much!! The realization set in ......set in real hard.......you're gone.......

     I've wanted to sit down and write about your last days with us.....but could not .....until now......and now....I still don't know if I can......but.......I have to ....need to .....want to......shall.

    You know we took care of you at home as long as we could....trying so hard to get you out of pain....to keep you from hurting......That was the hardest part.....watching you hurt like you did.....never complaining.......you never were one to complain.......and not being able to do anything about it....You fought it so hard.....Fought us so hard.......You didn't want to take all that medicine.....You didn't like being out of control.....even though being out of control also meant you were out of pain......One of us was with you 24 hours a day......making you take stuff that we thought would help......that we hoped would help........until the night we had to take you to Hospice ........because we could not control your pain at home any longer.....I know you didn't want to be there.....I know you wanted to fight this at home until the very end....and I know you thought you could beat it.....we all did.....we all thought you could......hoped you would......

    I'll always wonder why I was the one who was there when you were "with it"....and wanted to talk ......why I was the one who was with you when you breathed your last.....why it was me.....instead of Mom or Nancy or Bill. or Judy.....But you know what?   I'm glad it was......me, I mean.....even though I don't know why it was.....guess it was just in His plan for it to be me.

    You don't remember much about being in Hospice......to tell you the truth, I don't either....and that's why I need to do this now...before I forget altogether....before I lose it all.....

    We took you there on Wednesday night.....I'd just gotten home here in Casa Grande, when Nancy called  ( it was, after all, her 'shift'.....You called her Simon Legree...and me Sarge....and Bill , Blue Beard ) and said they were taking you there.....I turned around and drove back up there, knowing that they'd need some help. I was so angry at the ambulance service because they hurt you getting you to Hospice.....they were such dolts......but once you got there, Hospice made sure you were not in any more pain. They are so caring and compassionate in that area.......I only wish we'd have called them sooner.....that you'd not have been in so much pain as long as you were......

     It took a long time to get you from the Emergency Room to your Hospice Room.....long after midnight......Nancy and I decided that Mom needed to get home and get some rest......so she took her home.....and I stayed with you in your room......listening.....watching you .....knowing that you were not in pain anymore.....but also not really "with it".... Everyone but Bill was there on Thursday......Ruthie came....and Bill Furano and Lena.....and Cenci......and Angela.....and Danny and Judy and Amy.....Lisa......we were all there with you......and when it came time for some of us to leave so you could get some rest......We all lined up to say  g'bye.....Bill Furano was in front of me to say bye to you......I don't know what he said when he leaned down.....but you said "thanks for coming" to him ......and then when I leaned down to tell you I was going to go to Mom's to sleep, you looked at me and said "Who WAS that?"........I almost died laughing.....and then you laughed.....and we all ended up laughing......which was good....we all needed that ......

    Ruthie sat with you most of the day......and then I came back to spend the night with you........

    You woke up at 2:00 in the morning.......wanting to know where you were......what this place you were in was.....we chatted until four in the morning.... You kept wanting to know where "Junie" was......I called Nancy  at three o'clock to see if Mom was awake.....to get her down there while you were so animated.......but she was sound asleep......she'd taken some of your medicine.....and when I told you that she had....you said she'd better leave some for YOU!!! You felt good enough to try and eat some breakfast Friday morning.......you kept asking where everyone was......when Billy was going to get here.....where Mom was.....you were so concerned about her.....but then......you always were......You were alert when the Hospice Doctor came in and said he thought we could get some better pain control if he could use some radiation on your neck......but he'd need an MRI done first...... You nodded your head.....and told him "whatever it takes"........He said he'd make sure you were not in pain while they were doing it.

    Hospice made arrangements for our family to use one of their Family Rooms......right across the balcony from your room....So we could all be there with you ......so we could  just be your family, and allow someone else to take control of your pain.......we all knew it really bothered you that we were taking care of you at home.......but you know Dad.....we wanted to do that for you.....it was not a burden.....it was not a sacrifice......it was our 'gift of love' to you......for all the times you'd taken care of us....when we were sick.....you were the one who got up in the middle of the night to hold our head....give us medicine.....try to 'fix' us......Not because Mom couldn't ....or wouldn't....but because she couldn't hear us when we got sick......You were always there for us.....Hospice said it was really hard on someone like you.....that you'd hold on a long time, even with the pain.....because of worrying about what was going to happen to us when you were gone.....what we'd do without you......They told us what to expect....what to do ...... how to make it easier for you to go.....stuff I really didn't want to hear.....didn't want to acknowledge....didn't want to admit......because I didn't want you to leave.....I wanted you to live forever......not in pain of course......just wanted you here....like you always were......

     Of course we didn't know.....couldn't know....it would be so soon........too soon.......

     We had a meeting with the Hospice Social Worker at 12:00........so the Hospice nurse gave you your lunch......and told us that they'd scheduled your MRI for 3:00....and that they would be giving you some heavy duty pain medication so you would not hurt when they took you for your test.....and that Mom and Nancy could go with you while they were doing the test.....I went back to Mom's to sleep until Billy got down from Flagstaff......you kept asking when he was going to get here......almost like you were waiting for him ......before you went.....

    They took you for your MRI......and yeah.....you were pretty doped up......we all thought you'd come out of it later Friday night......in fact.....when Billy got there around 7:00, you squeezed his hand to let him know you knew he was there......we thought you were doing ok....so Mom and I went with him to get him something to eat.....when we got back......we found out you were not doing ok.....that you probably would not come out of it......that in fact.....you were in the process of dying.....of leaving us......of going someplace where you would not be in pain anymore.......It was then that we called Judy and told her she needed to come to Hospice.....and needed to plan on staying a few days.....Friday was a long night.......and a hard one for Mom......She wanted to hold you .....to comfort you ......just to be near you......Twice Bill and I lifted your head so she could get her arms around you......but even with the medicine they'd given you......it hurt you....I finally went out and told the nurse that Mom had a need to be close to you......a need to hold you .

      The nurses came in ......gave you some more medicine.......bathed you......changed the sheets on your bed.....positioned you so you would not hurt.....and helped Mom to get into bed beside you where she could put her arms around you......and just be with you.......I turned to look at the nurse to tell her a silent "Thank you"....and she had big tears in her eyes......and she said what we'd just done was the sweetest thing that any family had done for their parents.......Then we all went to the Family Room and left you and Mom alone.....together.....Throughout the night we kept checking on both of you......You were doing something they called "chain stoking"......which we were glad that Mom couldn't really see or hear.......all she knew was that she had her arms around you......and she was comforting you as only she could....

     Saturday was a very long day....... I went in your room around 5:00 in the morning.....everyone else was sleeping....but Mom had awakened and was sitting there holding your hand......She started to sing your favorite hymns.....and I joined in with her......just the three of us there in the room......and I couldn't help thinking that you were probably thinking "why can't those two women get on the same key!!".......but your breathing became more relaxed and 'normal'.......and you seemed to be more at peace while we were singing.......Later in the day, Raymond came to minister to us........he prayed in your room with all of us there .....standing around your bed.........holding hands......and offering up our silent prayers on your behalf.......

      The Hospice nurses explained to us what was happening to you physically......and as best they could, what was happing to you spiritually, and emotionally.....they told us that even though you could not respond because of all the medication.......that you could still hear us.....and that we should touch you ...talk to you ....tell you what we needed to ......how much we loved you .....and that we would take care of Mom......and each other.....

     Sometime during the day someone in the family decided that we were keeping you from 'going ' by holding on to you.... by touching you......by talking to you .....that was THEIR decision .....not mine.....not Hospice's........but when someone told Mom not to touch you anymore....I lost it......I ran out of there....angry......crying.....and quite defiant....I guess I am my Father's daughter......How DARE they tell her she could not touch you...could not talk to you......from my point of view....either God was in control of when you took your last breath....or He wasn't....and if we were keeping you from dying....then He wasn't in control.....I'm not proud of my reaction Dad.....but then....there's a lot of things I've done that I'm not too proud of......

    At any rate.....Mom didn't listen to them......and neither did I......we just kept holding your hand.....and talking to you .....and doing what Hospice had advised us to do......keep reassuring you of our love....and keep telling you that everything would be ok....that we'd be fine......

   Saturday night we took turns checking on you.....around 4:00 Sunday morning everyone but me finally fell asleep......and at 5:00 I got up...checked on you and Mom.....you were breathing quietly.....she was sound asleep.......I took a shower......got a cup of coffee from the kitchen......and went in and sat with you.....holding your hand....talking to you........praying.......and then .......my last words to you....and I know you heard them......was that I loved you.....that you'd been a good father.....and husband.....that you'd taken care of all of us for so long......that you'd fought a long, hard fight with this damnable disease.....and now .....it was time for you to let God take care of you........knowing that He would also take care of all of us......that it was time for you to go......( Hospice said that sometimes someone has to 'give permission' for someone to go before they would let go.....and go in peace.....guess that was my 'job'......)

    You breathed two more breaths......and then you were gone.....I knew you were......but sat there checking my watch.....to make sure you were not going to take another breath....knowing you weren't going to.....and at 6:20 a.m. .....I went out and told the Hospice nurse ...."He's gone"......She came in and checked your heart.....you had such a strong heart.....such a big heart.....such a loving heart.....but it had stopped beating.......

     I awakened Mom......She caressed you......touched your face......sobbing......she was in such anguish.......in such pain......such agony......even knowing that you were out of pain.....but missing you so much.......

...........Then  I went into the Family Room....woke up Bill........ and told him to wake everyone up .....that you were gone.....but you know......I could feel your 'presence' even then.......knowing at that moment, you'd always be with us.....in our hearts.....

     Hospice was so wonderful.....they told us to take as long as we needed ......that they would call the Doctor....and take care of the arrangements.....it was a long, long ride home....filled with silence......with contemplation.....with sorrow......but ....no regrets.....we'd done what you'd have wanted us to do.....and we loved you ...and we know you knew we did.......that we always will.....

     The days since then have been filled with so much to do....that until last night, I hadn't had time to grieve your going........Dad, I miss you......even though I know you're not in pain anymore....even though I know you're not crying anymore.....even though I know you're in heaven......at Jesus' feet.......waiting to greet us when it's our time to join you.......

     I miss you now.......